The Difference a Year can Make

One year later--Healthy, Happy, & Strong

A year ago tomorrow afternoon I walked into the Emergency Room at Memorial North. Though I had an appointment with my nurse practitioner for the following day, the pain behind my belly button had increased and I knew something wasn't right. You know how it is.....we don't want to pay the ER copay, if it's not truly an emergency. I really wasn't sure. I called my mom and then visited the nurse at FVS  (for an informed opinion) and after a brief inspection, she instructed me that I needed to go to the ER and offered to drive me. I kindly declined the offer, I could yet drive myself. (Yes, I am that stubborn!)

I arrived and was admitted an hour later. First hypothesis was that I had an umbilical hernia. But after a CT scan, the doctors weren't really sure. There was definitely something wrong, but the view of my gallbladder was obscured by some type of liquid-like area. I knew it was going to be an exploratory surgery, but really did NOT get the seriousness of the situation until the following afternoon when the anesthesiologist was explaining the process for putting in an epidural (for post surgery pain management). This is when I got scared and I confess, I started to cry. This was serious, after all, and I didn't know what the outcome might be. 

The surgery went fine--though a little longer than expected because I had 100s of gall stones stretching from up against my liver to down behind my belly button. They extracted it all and sewed me back up. I spent one week in the hospital and then another two weeks home from work to recover. It was a scary time, but I followed doctors orders and was walking over 5 miles a day in no time and back in the gym just as soon as I was cleared to do so--about 6-8 weeks post surgery. 

But this is just the start of what has become an epic year of change for me. That health scare was what showed me that my marriage was not viable. My former husband was not, and is not, a bad man. But he did not know how to take care of me. It was more stress for me to show him what to do, than for me to just take care of myself. That was the light that began to illuminate the path to divorce. I'm grateful it was not a nasty divorce and proud to say that we both acted like the civil and compassionate adults that we are. We had a good run, but it was done. 

This is my past year in brief highlights: 

Health Scare. Recovery. Run 2014 Leadership Lab. Journalism Adviser Institute in Vegas (time with Robin). Epic trip to Mongolia with Father. Divorce. 

.......begin to open my heart to a man across the ocean..........who somehow knows me already....

Move into apartment. Begin to contemplate a life in Asia. Visit Robin in San Francisco. Sell House. Pay off debts. Zorig visits for 50 days (trip to MI, trip to ID, trip to Vegas--meeting family along the way). We confirm our path is mutual and shared. Decline contract at FVS for next school year. Adopt Mona out to her new home. Secure job in UB for next school year. Take trip to Bent's Old Fort with 11 freshmen. Roz visits for Spring Break. Pack up my life for container shipment. Pre-sell all furnishings. 

Yet to do: Sell car. Move into friend's home for month of June. Run Leadership Lab. Spend time with friends. .....and then....... move to Mongolia. For life. 

A friend looked at me recently and said, "You know Heather, you'll probably never have another year like this." 

Zorig and Enji

Oh, how right she is! It's been a whirlwind of change, of life in action. We all have different paths to walk, different things we are in pursuit of, different things that make us fulfilled and let us know peace. What I want now is completely different than what I wanted a year ago. But this is the beauty of being human--we can change our minds, alter our course, BE different. 

One year after walking into that hospital, I am thrilled to report that I am healthy, happy, and filled with joy. The road ahead of me is more than I could have ever imagined. It's a road that that includes these two special guys. The way they have welcomed me into their hearts and lives is beyond anything I've known before. And before long....we will be together at last....family under one roof in Ulaanbaatar. This image of us motivates me, drives me. It is the why behind all that I do. 

It may be cliche, but Tim McGraw got it right--we really should live as if we were dyin'. There is no guarantee about tomorrow. I know my hospital stay, in retrospect, was perhaps not life threatening--but it did serve as a wake-up call. And an opportunity for me to realize that 40 isn't all that old and that my life can only be what I make it. 

And thanks to Destiny--I'm gonna live it large! Go for broke! 

Breathing Room

Wednesday was my first school day back with students. It was a busy and productive day...and a long one, as I had to return for study hall hours from 6-10 pm. But before doing so, I got a nice walk/run in under the warm Colorado sunshine. In the time between my run and departing to drive back to FVS a funny sensation washed over me: There was nothing to worry or fret about, nothing I should be sorting or packing. Though my apartment is in a state of disarray, it's nothing that can't be picked up and put away in an hour or two. 

Yes, this is my month of rest. A period of calm. The trough between two active crests. My serious packing complete, April is a trough, and then May will bring the picking up of sold home furnishings, the move onto campus, the cleaning and vacating of this apartment. 

I will have only lived here seven short months, but will hold the memory of it being the place where we became something real, together. The place where the dreams we scribed, over Facebook messenger and via international texting, began to manifest. The place where our intangible wonderings about one another, became tangible. Though we first met in a hotel dining room at the Edelweiss Hotel in downtown Ulaanbaatar (red arrow), and began to learn about one another outside a small village called Binder (pronounced bin-dre), in the Hentiiy province (blue arrow) of North-eastern Mongolia (the birthplace of Genghis Khan, I'd like to add!), it was here in the USA, in this perfect transitional apartment, where we became a couple, where we solidified our hopes and dreams. 

But back to what April is providing for me.......I have now taken over two sections of American Literature and will be teaching the novel Ceremony over the next 28 days. This will keep me busy, for sure, and especially so when the 20 papers roll in on May 11 and I have one week to get them graded. BUT, thanks to my recent deadline for container shipment--which once again turned out to be PERFECT timing (there have been so many affirmations along this new life path, it's hard to NOT believe it was destiny)--I can focus on my teaching and on the students. The last two months of the school year are always a blur and this year will be no different, I'm sure, but I get the breathing room of this month of April. 

87 days to departure, 88 to arrival into UB. 

Judgement

Before Forest came along....

In recent weeks, there has been some disagreement and discord within my family--specifically amongst us siblings. I don't care to hang out the dirty laundry in detail, so to speak, but I'll simply say that while there is distance and estrangement between some of us (though NOT all of us), there is no doubt that we love and care about one another. The hurt feelings and misunderstandings will simply have to work themselves out in their own time. 

As I've been sorting through the communications amongst us, the word "judgement" has been used and repeated. I know too, from working with teens these past 10 years, that "judgement" is something they are keenly aware of, and in tune with. During my recent runs or walks around the neighborhood, I've been ruminating on this concept. A quick visit to Merriam Webster tells us that judgement means the following:

• an opinion or decision that is based on careful thought;
• the act or process of forming an opinion or making a decision after careful thought; the act of judging something or someone;
• the ability to make good decisions about what should be done.

We each make judgements all day, every day. From simple routine things such as when to change lanes on the highway, which store to shop, and when to go to sleep at night. To the large choices in life such as what career to pursue, where to live, what kind of vehicle to drive, and whom to date or marry. 

So using judgement, and developing our abilities or skills of judgement, are important to navigation through this modern world. We shouldn't feel bad about using judgement. It is what accompanies the responsibility of Free Will. While there are plenty of people in the world that make haphazard decisions and then wonder how they ended up where they did, I'd prefer to not be one of them. I like to weigh my options, consider the probable outcomes as well as the obstacles and challenges, and then come up with a roadmap to move forward. Most people around me do the same thing. 

Four siblings with Jimmy Carter, mid 80s

And so I come back to judgement and how it's being used in recent tensions between siblings, and I can also reflect on past tensions amongst different combinations of us (there are 4 of us--three girls and a boy). 

We use the word judgement, but I don't think it's the heart of the issue. You see....I'm not making a decision about my brother or sister's life....they make and own their own judgements, aka decisions and opinions, in life. And it's true about my life. I've made significant decisions in the past eight months, and to some, I'm sure they don't seem or appear to be carefully thought out. But that doesn't change the bottom line--they are my decisions to make and my decisions to live with. I own them, for better or worse. I don't need my sister, or brother, or even mother/father or friends to give me approval. 

And therein lies the crux of the judgement conundrum. I think it is ultimately one of two things going on: (1) we feel "judged" because there is something in another person and their response to our decisions that makes us second guess or doubt ourselves, or (2) there is a chasm between the two people that makes it impossible for person B to understand or relate to person A. It is simply a division in understanding. Sometimes this second point can be worked out through conversation or sharing, but other times, it can't be resolved. Maybe time or life events will create experiences for one or the other, or both, to bridge or fill in the chasm. (I'm thankful to say that has happened between me and one of my sisters over these past same eight months.)

I don't have a tidy thought upon which to end this post. 

I'm not okay with where things sit at the moment. (And I'm leaving in 89 days. For Asia.)

But I also know that I can't pretend that everything's okay, nor can I force the understanding. 

And so I live with the truth that for now there is unease and disconnection amongst some of us. 

My love remains constant. It is unconditional.