Support Systems

Fawn and me in January

Women have long known the power of support systems--both socially and emotionally. Per Wikipedia, social support is: the perception and actuality that one is cared for, has assistance available from other people, and that one is part of a supportive social network. 

In recent weeks I've been asked, "aren't you scared?" It's come from students, from friends, and even from my tax preparer. This is a shift and not a question I got in the fall or winter. I'm not sure what is provoking it at this point. Perhaps it is because my stuff has been shipped and in May my furnishings will relocate to their next homes. While it's been REAL for me for quite some time.....perhaps it's getting real for others? I don't know. 

As I drove down the highway yesterday, I reflected on the times I've relocated in my life. My family moved to a new town and school in Michigan when I went into fourth grade. Then we moved from Michigan to Pennsylvania the summer before my sophomore year in high school. In both of those instances I was excited to be the new kid in school. 

After two years in college and at the age of 21, I decided it was time to break out on my own--so I moved west to Idaho. I'll never forget pulling away from my mom's house, driving a Dodge Aries station wagon pulling a Uhaul trailer, watching her wave at me in the sideview mirror, tears streaming down my face. Driving cross country with my college friend, Susan, felt like a certain American rite of passage. It took getting through some weeks of sadness and unease, but I found my first apartment, got a job (then a better job), and continued my undergrad coursework. 

My deployment to Hungary/Bosnia/Croatia in 1998-99 led me to my next move, from Idaho to Colorado. I had a job within days and resumed schooling once my residency was established. I completed my Bachelor degree here, then my Masters, and moved from the business world to education--and am wrapping up my 10th year as a teacher and librarian. I've been in Colorado for 16 years...the longest I've ever lived in one place.

I've gone from city to city, from state to state, from east coast to the Rocky Mountain west. And now I go from West to East. From North America to Asia. 

As I relived these moves in my mind, I reflected on how I established my support systems--where was my nearest family and how I made new friends. I am happy to say that I have meaningful friends that I am yet in touch with from each and everyone of these places. Angi from grade school; Jules from high school; Jules, Kimmie, and Kathy from college. Then I have Angela and Michelle from Idaho. From Colorado--there are many...from Mallory (first friend here) to Katherine (one of the newest) and a host of many in between. 

With Dave & Michelle in Idaho

Yes, I've been able to find and make good friends everywhere I've gone and lived. We make time for those that matter to us. Family. Friends. 

I'll be assimilating into a pre-existing family in UB (with Zorig's parents and aunts, uncles, cousins) and creating a new one with him and Enji. I will, of course, make friends with colleagues at the American School of Ulaanbaatar. However, I also recognize that as I will be a "local hire" and staying in Mongolia permanently, there will be some things about my life that ASU coworkers won't know or relate to. For many of them, teaching in an International school is a way to see the world, so they stay in a school for a year or two and then often move on to a new place. And while they will be living in Mongolia, they won't be integrating the same way I want to and will. 

So I'm happy to say that I've touched base with another contact that I think is going to prove MOST helpful for me in the coming months. Zorig, while trying to track down an American woman he'd seen on the news in UB some time ago, came across this blog post by a different American woman. Her story (you really should read her post--it's astute and I wholeheartedly agree with her observations of the unique brand of machismo that exists there) has some similarities to mine--though I confess I can't imagine starting a long distance relationship by way of a translator. 

This week I made contact with her through Facebook and was thrilled to learn that "there's a small posse of American wives married to Mongolians," and that she is willing to connect me with them. I can't express how comforting this is to me. While I know Zorig will take care of me in all the ways he knows how to, I know that I will want to talk to a fellow American female at some point....AND to someone that has been through what I'm going to step through. 

So YES, of course I am scared. But I am doing all I can to prepare myself in the now, as well as how to set myself up for success in the future. I can't wait to see what my new friends will be like--all the beautiful things they will teach me and share with me. This is going to be a beautiful expansion of what has been a good life so far.......

Oh....and all you current friends....prepare to be a member of my long distance support system. Facebook. Email. Skype. Facetime. WhatsApp. KakaoTalk. Viber. I have lots of ideas on how we can stay in touch.....but need to get IN country first to see what really works for me....from there. So please.....stay tuned. 

What used to be Hogwash to me....

Florissant in January

I used to think that all that stuff about soulmates was hogwash! Some myth or fantasy that movies, songs, and hopeless romantics fed us to keep us searching for the impossible. To spend our lives in and out of relationships on an endless snipe hunt. It didn't matter that my mom was sure my stepfather was hers, or that my sister has encountered men that were that for her--despite the thwarting of time or place that ultimately derailed the relationship. It didn't matter that I love movies like The Notebook, Sliding Doors, Serendipity, Somewhere in Time, and Return to Me. I thought the concept of soulmates was a bunch of hooey!

I came across this article by Dr. Carmen Harra in which she says that "we're biologically designed to fall in love," and discusses the 10 Elements of a Soulmate. She astutely notes that, "we find ourselves skimming through more relationships than we'd like in order to find that one person who can truly open our locks." Long before I found this article today, I have had the feeling that Zorig, from our first interaction, has had access to my operator's manual. That he holds the keys to my heart and soul. I could not make sense of how he was able to open me up, to gain access to parts of myself that even I was not able to see or know. Everything about the becoming of us has been a mysterious and mystical experience. I live in the beautiful shade of it's awe each and every day. To say I feel "high on life" would be an understatement. 

For those that have known me a long time, you know that i ended a marriage last year after 14 years, and 16 years of being together. While a good guy, he was far from a soulmate. It's difficult for me to admit that we weren't even friends. I don't know that he ever knew me and can't remember the last time he tried to know me--internally. 

So to have Zorig say to me recently, "I want to discover you"......well, it's bit like a parched farm field getting a slow and easy, drizzling rain. One that it has waited years to feel soaking through the layers of its crumbling grit and sediment. With new rain of interest, and a steady and careful gardener, new life has taken root and I find myself blooming and opening up in ways I never could have predicted. 

Oh how he makes me smile!

Yes. I have been converted. I do believe this man is my soulmate. That we were destined to meet.... It was written in the stars......That we were made for one another.....and ALL that other romantic crap!

According to Dr. Harra, the 10 Elements of a Soulmate are as follows (with my commentary afterwards):

1. It's something inside.
   It IS hard to describe. "I love you"/"bi chamd hairtai" never seems like enough. I want there to be a bigger way to say it, a deeper way. There should be more words to describe it.......I'm yet searching for them. 
2. Flashbacks.
   This is the only point of the 10 that doesn't feel like a clear match. However, Zorig wished for me before he met me, and I can't explain what drew me so strongly to his country above all others--but it did. And from the moment he arrived to the US in December he felt so familiar to me. Like home.
3. You just get each other.
   Despite the cultural and language divides that exist for us, we DO get each other in an easy and surprising way. 
4. You fall in love with his (or her) flaws.
   I don't know that I want to call them flaws....perhaps differences? I miss intensely those couple of things that I found odd or strange during his visit--like eating oranges at midnight. :)
5. It's intense.
   Yes, it is. It has been an all-consuming experience. The best analogy for describing what its done to me--is to say I feel a bit like the Grinch. Loving this man AND being loved by him makes me feel as though my heart has grown, expanded, within my chest. I have a greater capacity to give and to love. I dare to say it is softening my rough edges. 
6. You two against the world.
   It certainly is. Who meets and spends just six days with someone and pursues a life and future together? He said it was love at first look for him--I took a couple months to come around. While I am happy to say that I've met with little resistance from family and friends, what we are doing is not your ordinary love story. When you live on different continents there is no middle ground, no compromising option. I decided in October, assuming his visit here was positive, that I would move to UB. He never asked me to--I offered because I knew in my gut it was the correct path. 
7. You're mentally inseparable.
   Definitely. We often write the same sentiment at the same moment. There is something unseen that connects our thoughts, our minds. 
8. You feel secure and protected.
   I have never felt this safe with a man, besides perhaps as a little girl while with my father. I have complete faith in this man's ability to care for me. I am proud of my strong independence. Always have been. But there are no words to describe how it feels, after years of standing solo and being in charge of so much, to allow myself to lean into this man that is so strong and confident. I know he will catch me if ever I fall. I have no doubt. 
9. You can't imagine your life without him (or her).
   And so I move to Mongolia. Enough said. 
10. You look each other in the eyes.
    From that first meeting in a dining room at the Edelweiss Hotel in Ulaanbaatar, we've been looking each other in the eye--searching and analyzing what is inside the other. To discern if what was drawing us close was real and true. Because the eyes are a window to so much more...

So that old saying..."never say never"...I strongly encourage you to heed it's message. If you aren't open to changing your mind about someone, something, some place, etc......then you may miss out on, well, who knows what. 

Habits

The FVS Prairie as backdrop

I've been recognizing how much of daily life is about habit. My alarm goes off, I check my email from bed, check in on Facebook, and listen to the birds chirping outside from the warm underneath the covers. After a few minutes, I get up, turn the coffee on (usually prepped the night before), and shower. I enjoy coffee while I blog or journal (or finish the reading for class--if not done the night before), then I make breakfast (almost always including 2 eggs), and then begin to get ready for the work day (what to wear, do my hair, collect stuff in my bag for the day, put on makeup). 

Yes, I exist within a structure of habits from my morning routine to how I park my car in the carport (I back in 90% of the time) to how I get ready for bed at night. The fact that I live solo for the time being means I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. 

But ALL of that is about to change. Dramatically. 

So I was reading a little about habits online. This guy who keeps a blog for Psychology today argues that we have habits so that our brains are freed up to do other things. That's certainly true--my brain is all over the place while I'm walking through my routines. 

That said....in about 67 days, I'll be living with one or two other people (depending on Enji's schedule)--one or two male creatures. We will have one bathroom. This is not the end of the world and not bad--at least I'm not sharing with two other women!!--but it will change the routine of my morning, and the routines of my life. 

In the kitchen, 95% of everything will be different, foreign. The 5% being the familiar wolf coffee mugs (a gift from Fawn when I first moved out on my own) I've shipped and being able to eat eggs. I'm moving to a tea culture. I can, of course still have my coffee and have even shipped myself a number of bags of Community Coffee (ground, dark roast--in case you are inclined to send a care package down the road). Then there will be the navigation of the perhaps similar, but most likely different packaging of breakfast meats. Zorig recently asked me if I could "make bacon"? I responded by saying that I knew how to COOK bacon, but was unsure of what "make" meant. I guess I'll have to fill you in after I arrive on that one. :)

Another guru (courtesy of NPR) agrees that habits are what create free space for our brain. Yes, humans do the same things in the same way, provided they are in the same environment. That said, come July it's safe to say my brain will be working hard to create new routines as a result of new surroundings, a new culture. If you know me--you know that I'm a planner, an anticipator, a Type A personality. Even my own family members chuckle at me--if you were coming to visit, I'd have a printed or written itinerary for you upon your arrival. No joke. 

My impending new reality--new day-to-day life and routines--are NOT something I can plan or prepare for. Or rather, beyond having an open mind and compassion for myself and those around me, there is nothing to DO at this time. I have to get there, then work to exercise my brain into an array of new habits and routines. I suspect that within a number of months, I'll be settled into my new web of routines and habits. But they will be different from what I've known in America these past 41 years of life. 

I will leave you with a random list of worries. Things that have popped into my brain and that I spend some of that freed up brain time pondering, while I make breakfast:

• Guidebooks say to not drink tap water. But I won't be a tourist, so can I drink the tap water? Or not?
• How will it go adapting to not have a clothes dryer? Will my clothes be crunchy?(Also won't have a dishwasher...but am not worried about that.)
• With carpeting...I like to sit and lie on the floor. Our apartment in UB is all hardwood flooring (not necessarily uncommon)--so should I ship my exercise mat for floor seating?
• The meat in Mongolia is tough as compared to US standards. This will sound like a judgement and I don't mean it that way. We, as Americans, are accustomed to soft, tender meat and generally shy away from fat. Mongolians eat a lot of beef and mutton--both of which I'm good with as I generally eat Paleo and a meat-heavy diet is FINE by me--but they eat older animals and the meat is chewy and tough (again...per our American standards). While Dad and I were on our trip last summer, every meal was followed by a few minutes of flossing. 
• The beds in Mongolia were hard! Or at least the ones that Dad and I stayed on in the hotel and in the ger camps. Now...the good news is that I prefer a hard to a soft bed (I'm a 75 on a sleep # bed), but I did discover that there is such a thing as TOO hard--and that's coming from a girl that has opted to sleep on the carpeted floor during holiday or hotel visits. No joke!
• What about finding a salon to get my haircut? And purchasing a hairdryer and curling iron that are for 220v?
• I use Netflix and Amazon A LOT. I won't have these over there. Think about not being able to order anything and everything under the sun and having it shipped in t a couple of days? Yes--imagine that reality.  
• I won't be driving myself to work....so I can't be lazy in the morning and make it up on the drive. I will rely on probably a car service to get me to work and back home again--so I will have to be organized in a different way than I currently am. (And let's face it--not being independent in a transportation way will be a new situation as well.)
• Certainly have to find and join a gym to be sure and get my exercise! I don't remember seeing a single soul running the streets of UB for exercise--and I'll be sticking out enough as it is--don't need to add that to the list. :)

Yes, I have many things I wonder about in regards to my new life in Asia, in UB. I am beginning to get the question, "Aren't you scared?" more and more frequently. From students, from friends, and most recently from the woman that does my taxes. My answer is always, "yes, of course I am scared." That's just how it goes when you do something like this. You learn to live with your fears. Learn that they won't kill you and can only stretch you.