Stress impacts Health

Recent Rain

My sister-in-law recently commented to me that she always thought I was someone that handled stress well. I agreed. But recent events pushed me past my limit. I began to experience a sort of health crisis beginning in mid January. It started one Friday when I opted to walk home from work. I felt a pressure in the middle of my chest, directly between my breasts, and I found it difficult to get a deep breath into my lungs. As the evening progressed, I began to fear I was having a heart attack, yet my Fitbit indicated nothing strange in my heart rate. I had no other pain. I made it through the night, albeit in discomfort, and then went to the hospital the next morning. I saw the cardiac guy. They listened and even did an ECG. Nothing to report--all was normal. 

But from that date until now I've had issues. For the first two months my days would be pretty normal, but my nights would be disrupted. I would awaken after a couple hours of sleep with that pressure in my chest. It required sitting up, walking around, trying everything to get myself to burp and release the pressure. It was obvious that I was suffering from some sort of gastrointestinal problem. However, it was really JUST pressure on the chest and a sudden amount of burping. This was uncharacteristic from anything in my past beyond one or two episodes of heartburn experienced a number of years ago. And this was my first digestive issue since having had emergency gallbladder surgery four years ago. As my current health insurance includes a once-a-year health screening, I did it all. I wrote about that in this previous post. At the end of all the tests there was no significant finding. Nothing to explain what was causing my discomfort. 

Dressed up for Children's Day, June 1

With the problem persisting I began to address my diet. I cut out wheat and dairy. Then, as I mentioned at the end of that previous post, I embarked on a detox over spring break. I DID begin to feel a bit better around day five. I noticed around lunch time that day that I was burping less. However, a few hours later and my world was turned upside down with the unexpected return of Z from the U.S. The next morning my symptoms were back as strong as ever despite the fact that I was in the middle of my detox and had eaten nothing but fruit for five days and over the next week added only vegetables into the mix. All of it natural food items--nothing processed or refined. 

I have come to believe/deduce that my gastrointestinal issues are the result of me "stuffing" the truth down. Hiding the reality of Z and I's disintegrated relationship and putting up the facade that we were yet together to protect E's education....it all literally made me sick. When Z made certain choices early last month he made it clear that he did not care if people knew the truth about our relationship status (that I had left him nine months before) and it was also clear that E's education was not the most important thing to either of them. Everything I've done since leaving Z in August has been to protect both myself (well being and safety) AND E's education.  While I disagree with Z's recent actions, it has been liberating to let the truth out. I am feeling better day by day. My problems are NOT gone yet. I spent months creating what I believe is a "tic" of sorts--tying my own stomach into knots causing me to burp and to have pressure and upper GI gas most of the time (a strain of GERD). It is taking time and concerted effort to make my body relax. As Z and E have chosen to harass me instead of letting go, I continue to address the stress and it's physical manifestations in my body. 

Darkhan Man Metal Sculpture

This past weekend was a long weekend with Children's Day a holiday on Friday. It was late that evening when it dawned on me that for the FIRST day since January 12th that I had been completely symptom free. Wow! It was nice to feel 100% normal for an entire day. With the first divorce court date this week, the symptoms haven't left. Z isn't being cooperative and therefore we are taking the slower route to divorce. No matter what we speed we go, the destination remains the same. As the famous Richard Bach saying goes, "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were." I'm setting myself free and in the end I do not believe we belong to another--only to ourselves.

Before long I will be off on my new adventure and I suspect that ALL of my health issues will disintegrate in no time at all. Not to mention I'll be surrounded by a great plethora of fresh fruits, veggies, and even seafood! Yippee for me!

Truth IS stranger than Fiction!

Flowers from EBSCOHost for PD Day

When I decided to pack up and move to Mongolia I did so willingly and also knowing that it was a HUGE gamble. I was all in as they say at the poker table, and I knew full well what the stakes were. Therefore it is with sadness that I share that things between Z and I disintegrated. Some would call it a failed relationship; I prefer to say that I quit the relationship because it was not a partnership, because I was not listened to, and because as I gave more and more of myself, I seemed to get less and less. Therefore, I am currently navigating the process of divorce in a foreign country and culture.

Our year of courtship (2014-5) was OTHERWORLDLY. I wrote about it here on my blog. My first year of living in Ulaanbaatar (2015-6) was filled with great adventure and fun and learning--it was also documented here on the blog. My second year (2016-7) in Mongolia there began to be problems (ie. Z's refusal to have gainful employment) as well as some really nice changes (ie. E came to live with us full time and we became a blended, nuclear family). My work at ASU in my second year was greatly improved as I had moved up to the secondary building. I am at my best when working with adolescents and teens, as well as with the faculty that educate them. During that second year Z's continued choice to be unemployed made him increasingly angry and depressed. I encouraged him to get help, to find healthy ways to relieve his stress, and yes, to get a job---any job!--as sitting at home and ruminating about his situation wasn't proving healthy--for himself or his loved ones. He repeatedly complained about being "fed by his wife" but also didn't change his actions for a different result.

Last summer things escalated beyond what I could have ever imagined. I will hope to share the full accounting of events in another format and at a later time. For now I will just say that in early August of 2017 I could no longer live with Z as I was afraid for my well-being and safety. I moved out and rented a separate apartment. I initially hoped that Z might be willing to work WITH me to repair our damaged relationship and I held small hope for a possible reconciliation. But Z refused and for weeks and months there was little or no contact (from him). I asked about doing counseling together; he refused (mental health is not openly addressed in the East as it seems to be in the West--though that is beginning to change). It became clear that there was no way forward for us as a couple. However, I was still committed to seeing E finish his Grade 11 school year at my international school. I planned to renew my contract for a fourth year in order to see him graduate high school in June of 2019. 

Across the last nine months there have been twists and turns at every corner. First was the disintegration of Z and I's relationship. Then I was unable to negotiate a renewal contract with my school. I was also refused the waiver necessary to work at another school in UB that could have afforded me to pay for E to stay on and graduate from the current school. I was forced to seek employment outside of Mongolia. This ended up becoming a BRIGHT spot over the many months as I was "headhunted," in a sense, for the position I accepted at the American Collegiate Institute in Izmir, Turkey. It seemed the Universe knew what was ahead on my path in life and gave me this lovely gift of a good job in a new and beautiful locale. I will be relocating there, solo, this summer. Well, not completely solo as my cat, Zigzag, will accompany me! 

Colorful Cast of "Once on this Island"

Around the time that the employment contract fell apart and I was applying for other positions, Z was in the U.S. in pursuit of business or work opportunities. During that time E lived with me 90% of the time, visiting his grandparents on some weekends. He was doing better in school and was busy with rehearsals for the school musical. He did an amazing job performing as a Storyteller in "Once on this Island." It was so good...I admit to choking up during the final Act. Yes, it was THAT good. He is a talented young actor.

Z returned to UB during Spring Break (early April). This was unexpected as he had said that he'd be in the U.S. until August, if not permanently. I was notified of his return just two hours before he appeared in my apartment (uninvited, I'll add!). Our interaction was not what he had hoped for. I felt ambushed and disrespected. If he was coming home to UB, why hadn't he messaged me to update me with that plan? Also, I had made it crystal clear that when he left at the end of January, after having done NO WORK to repair our relationship over the previous five months, that we were most assuredly finished; however, I was yet committed to E and his education. I guess Z decided to hear what he wanted to hear and ignored my clear declarations. I did not receive him with open arms (just as I had told him I wouldn't!). He made E leave with him that night and has forged a huge rift between myself and the young and impressionable teen. It seems that in Z's mind his son has to choose--his father OR me. I come to life with an abundance way of thinking--which seems to be the opposite of Z who sees all things as scarce. While I had hoped for E to maintain a relationship with both of us, it has not played out that way as a result of Z's view of the world and his actions and choices. I will always have love in my heart for E--a young man I was gifted to journey life with for nearly three years.

What the future will include

In the past month I have employed a lawyer and initiated divorce proceedings. There are two ways to proceed down this path in Mongolia. The EASY way is by Administrative rules. This path is for two people that do NOT share children or property (which is our situation as I did not legally adopt E). Each person writes a letter of application requesting divorce. My lawyer explained that this process would take 3-4 weeks. Despite Z asking and threatening for divorce multiple times from August through early April, he has REFUSED to participate in this approach. Therefore my lawyer and I have pushed forward on the HARD path and have initiated mediation (required), once completed then the civil case will move forward.

My lawyer is smart and I am lucky to have her--she is Mongolian, has been practicing for many years, and speaks good English. There have been some unfortunate events in recent weeks on Z's behalf--some of them having a negative impact on E and his education. This has been heartbreaking to watch. The latest turn of events has included Z contacting a variety of my friends, family, and coworkers with a tale of supernatural love spells! Oh yes, it's been  laughable. And saddening. It is true what they say--That Truth is Stranger than Fiction. When it comes time to clear the air with all events I will certainly be accountable for choices I made along our relationship path that did not serve us positively. It takes two to tango, as they say. I enabled bad behaviors and dismissed some glaring problems as being "cultural" when I don't know that they really were. Again, I hope to share more details as time passes.

In recent days and weeks I have been appalled and shocked to see Z blame the end of our relationship on a "love spell." Instead of taking ownership of his own mistakes and failures, he seems to explain it all away with some version of "the devil made her do it." This is absurd to me as I do not put any belief or merit in the supernatural. At all. However, I would like to note that as I reflect on our years together, I recall that Z's prior-to-me long-term relationship also ended because of a "love spell." LOL. This is proving to be a pattern for Z and how he explains away failed relationships in his life. He has been spending hours and days in recent weeks attempting to slander and terrorize me. If only he could put that much energy into getting and keeping a job to provide for himself and his son--his life would then look quite different, I believe. The worst part is that Z is brain washing his son along the way. I fear for the child's health and well being--but am incapable of helping. It is my belief that they both need psychological help. I do hope they will get help and begin the healing process they both need to have the lives they want and wish for. I wish only good things for both of them.

My family and friends know me to be honest and forthright, and more importantly they have been a part of this journey from the start. I trust them with the details of my life and tribulations along the way. They know me. They know reality. Time will illustrate the truth of all things. 

We delivered 475 NEW books to Veloo's Kindergarten

While you might think that this means my all in wager left me with nothing but a broken heart, you would be mistaken. In light of the recent craziness on Z's behalf I'm LONG past any heartbreak or sadness. There is SO much I gained in making the choice to move to Mongolia.  For example, I have traveled to places I never imagined--from Shanghai to South Africa to Australia. I've made some INCREDIBLE friends--many of whom I will carry forth with me into the rest of my life. I've gained some great professional experience--in being an elementary school librarian and in teaching AP Literature. I had the INCREDIBLE opportunity to parent a teenager for three years. Relationships with family members deepened and stretched in unexpected and deeply moving ways. And I learned about this realm of International Teaching which has become my next frontier. 

I want to thank you, my readers, for hanging in there throughout the recent dry spell of blogging. I am coming back to the me you all know so well and expect to be writing more and more regularly very soon. 

Dorothy was Right!

Photo by Melanie K.

Before I moved to UB many of my friends and family asked what I thought I would miss most about the U.S. I have a memory of my friend and fellow FVS colleague, Dorothy, telling me that I would miss Mexican food the most. At the time I thought that an odd thing to even consider. Food wasn't even on my radar. But it should be noted that Dorothy wasn't the only one to predict this--there were a handful of individuals that said the same thing. 

So I wanted to take a moment and say it--Dorothy, you were right! Though we have a couple of restaurants in the city that claim to have Mexican food--it is NOT the same as what I was accustomed to in Colorado Springs, CO (which has a representative Mexican population--my favorite place was 3 Margaritas). While I have been disappointed by the restaurants in UB, I have NOT been disappointed by Rosewood Kitchen & Enoteca's once-or-twice-a-year "pop up restaurant," La Rosa. This restaurant is co-owned/operated by an American-Mongolian couple and it's a favorite haunt for Expats and Mongolians alike. I enjoyed the Cinco de Mayo pop-up last year in May for the first time with my Mongolian gal pal, Doogii. Knowing how good the food was I made a strategical plan this year to enjoy it to its maximum. I scheduled myself for two seatings (there was a full menu to choose from)--first at 17:30 and then again at 21:30. 

Completion of La Rosa, Round 1

At 17:30 I was joined by two ASU colleagues as well as some of my fellow American Wives. In UB it can be easy to get stuck in fairly small circles of expats. This mix was a blast because we did not get trapped in talk about work nor in the minutiae of our family lives. Because different circles were mingled we talked about bigger topics. About gender identification, about racism, about our childhoods and coming of age stories. We talked about our mothers and our siblings. We shared funny stories and talked about trips and plans for the future. 

As our tummies filled up on margaritas and good Mexican food, it was time to depart and allow the 19:30 reservations to roll in. We went a couple of blocks down the street and continued our conversations over cocktails. Before we knew it, it was time to head back to La Rosa for our second seating. I had only made a reservation for two (they all thought I was crazy to book twice!).....but thankfully the manager squeezed in the five of us that were still going. And, as I predicted, hungry for another go at that menu. We ordered pitchers of margaritas--how did we miss strawberry on the menu the first time around?!?!! The place was packed and it was after midnight before we made our various ways home. Onne friend dubbed it best: "Round 2 was the best idea of 2018"!