It isn't always Cultural

Camels and Snow.....never put those together before!

Every relationship comes with its hiccups and disconnects. From what I share here, you may infer that Zorig and I never have a disagreement. That is, of course, not true. We are two human beings making a life together and while things are far more often peachy and keen, we do have our moments.

When we have miscommunications, or disconnects (as I like to call them), I have to spend time discerning the heart of the matter. Something I picked up on early from one of my (wise) fellow American Wives is that it isn't ALWAYS cultural. Being in an interracial, or more clearly stated--intercultural marriage or relationship--can cause one to assume that any and all differences stem from the differing cultures. But let's not forget that there are a variety of differences. To get started, I'm a female, he's a male. Next, we are two human beings with a history of unique experiences that have shaped and molded us into who we are. Then we have differing educational backgrounds. Born the same year, age difference doesn't create much difference. However, Z's childhood and youth was spent under the influence of socialism, Mongolia becoming an independent nation in the early 90s. He's lived in the U.S. and in Japan. Before now, I've only ever lived in America (funny to realize that in some ways, my life has been far more sheltered). This of course shapes our outlooks and perspectives. 

Late night shopping outing

Finally, there are the race and culture cards. Race, although it makes us look different from one another, has nothing to do with how we interact or relate to one another. No. It's all about culture. How the cultural and social mores we were raised with make us act and react to things in our daily lives. This impacts our expectations, or lack there of. It influences how we process things, how we speak to others, and what we do in given situations. It provides the structure of our interactions with others and was the model we were given on interacting with and engaging with others. 

I will try to provide a couple of examples of cultural differences:

• How couples spend time together socializing:
• In the U.S., couples spend time together--both outside at restaurants, social gatherings, etc, as well as inviting one another into homes for meals and social interaction. There are "girls nights out" and boys gather for fantasy football or poker nights, but couples do gather together.
• In Mongolia, couples do not often get together with other couples, and rarely do they invite visitors into their homes. Here in Mongolia, the boys go out together, and girls meet up too--almost always outside at restaurants/bars. It's a fairly gender segregated social life.
  
• How people manage their time:
• In the U.S., people are generally run by their calendars and schedules. Plans are made days, weeks, months, sometimes even years out. Shoot, my family has a once-every-5-years-Christmas-extravaganza in Michigan (coming again in 2016!!!). We coordinate children's activities as well as scheduling our own appointments. From everything like massages, to book clubs, to aforementioned girls night out, we have a plan for it all. And often....if we DON'T schedule it, it doesn't happen. 
• In Mongolia, it's all about the here and now. There is no expectation of a plan for tomorrow, or for the weekend, or for the holiday season. You make it up as you go and a full blown party celebration can be whipped together in a matter of hours, it seems. As a girlfriend recently told me, Mongolians really aren't thinking much past the current beer they may be drinking or meal they may be ingesting. It's just not who they are. 

I'm sure there are plenty of other examples, but those two are significant, I think, and should help you see how different American and Mongolian cultures can be from one another. Those of you that know me.....know that I am a planner and organizer. Therefore, you know that second one is a HUGE challenge. Some of the miscommunications between us stem from me being surprised or caught off guard by newly emerging events. I get frustrated there is no warning or planning. Sometimes I want to take that frustration out on my "boys." BUT.....it's not like they knew and didn't tell me. The events are truly emerging in the moment (entire school breaks can be changed overnight!). It's normal, everyday life to them; to me, it upsets the plan and doesn't fit into my expectations.

Pollution, like clouds, makes for a nice sunset.

After a recent disconnect caused by an unexpected change of events, I learned something else. Upon trying to apologize for my poor behavior (when I over-reacted), I asked Z for forgiveness. He said he didn't know about forgive, only that he forgets some things. I pressed on and explained the process of forgiveness. He thanked me for the lesson, but said he really doesn't know that feeling. 

Like a regular female, I at first thought he was being difficult. But a fellow foreign teacher encouraged me to ask a Mongolian (female) co-worker about it. What great advice! And I'll be darned......forgiveness is not, it seems, a general practice and/or experience for Mongolians. 

I had assumed that forgiveness was a universal. Seems not so. Though I'd guess that Mongolians who have converted to some form of Christianity have learned what forgiveness is and how to offer and receive it, it is NOT part of their everyday culture. Also if they've lived abroad for any amount of time, they may know about forgiveness. I like to be careful and not make sweeping generalizations--so please know that like any general statement, it's not an absolute. I am not Mongolian and am left to learn from Zorig, Enji, and my host of growing Mongolian friends and co-workers. I thank them for their willingness to share with and to educate me on this new world and culture. 

So no, Zorig and I's disagreements aren't always about our cultural differences. In this instance, the disagreement wasn't cultural (more about my poor over-reaction), but the resolution process was most certainly cultural. Asking for forgiveness from someone that doesn't relate to the feeling or process makes it a hollow experience. I can offer it, but there isn't the completion of the cycle. Instead I wait for time to pass, for him to forget or let go of it, usually a matter of hours, perhaps a day or a little more, and then we are back to good. 

Oh, I can try and teach him about forgiveness, sure. But through the process I'm learning how to behave differently, so as to not be in need of asking for it in the first place. But, we are human. Our relationship is yet new and we are still fitting all the pieces together. Most important, we both have patience and the commitment to communicate and sort things out. Who knows....in a couple of years maybe I won't even notice how fast plans have changed and will be a ghost of the girl that handed her mother an itinerary of events when she arrived to visit. As I know, one can never be sure what will happen next in this life. Especially if you open yourself up to possibility and are willing to move through the growing pains that come with honest change. And remember, assumption serves no one. 

The Technology Cleanse

On October 28th I lost my iPhone. Initially I thought I had been pickpocketed, but upon reflection (that whole retrace-your-steps-thing that our parents teach us when we are young) I am 95% sure that I simply dropped my phone in the dark while walking home after dinner with a friend in Zaisan. 

It was the first day that I used my brand new, and Handmade in Mongolia, leather purse. I was only just learning the pockets and placement of things. I remember getting off the bus, crossing the busy street, and while walking across the small concrete park in front of the Performing Arts building, I checked the time on my phone. Then I lifted the flap to place the phone back inside the purse. When I arrived home 10-15 minutes later, the phone was nowhere to be found. It would have been nearly impossible for the phone to be stolen--I was never in a crowd, no one bumped into me or was within arms reach of me, and my purse was carried across my body and in front of me where I was holding a small bag of groceries. Yes, I have no one to blame but my own carelessness.

This loss meant that I was forced into a "technology cleanse." It required time to analyze my options and make a decision about how to replace the phone, and then the necessary time to get it done. It's difficult to get verified products here in Mongolia. I opted to work through a friend that works with Apple and could hook me up with a good discount (Thanks again!!). Once ordered, then the phone had to arrive to my stateside support team, and from there to be shipped to me Mongolia.

It departed the U.S. on November 16th. On November 26th it showed as having arrived in Ulaanbaatar by way of Turkey. However, when Z went to the Post Office to inquire, they said that is was still in Turkey. I began to become suspicious. It was December 7th at this point and I didn't understand how my package could be MIA for nearly two weeks. 

One cannot survive long in this modern world without a phone of some sort. I initially went two full days without any phone and I experienced a strange mix of fear and freedom. Zorig acquired for me a "primitive phone"--an old Nokia--to get me through until my new smart phone would arrive. It certainly did the job, I could make calls and I could send and receive texts. Though, texting the old-school way is work. One of my friends actually replied to a text asking, "are you okay? are you upset or something? Your messages are so short." I simply reminded her that I didn't have a swype keyboard, or even a full keyboard for that matter. 

As much as I missed being connected in all the ways a smart phone allows us to be, I also realized that I let go of those compulsions to SEE if someone was connecting with me. I simply didn't look at my phone as much or use it as much. Instead of texting a co-worker, I walked downstairs to their classroom. Or, I actually called them and spoke to them. Yes, there was something lovely about the freedom that came with only having a primitive phone. 

My cityscape will be white for months.

Update: On Friday, December 11th, Zorig went to the Central Post Office again to inquire. This time, they had something. My box had apparently gotten wet while in transit. I don't mean damp, I mean wet to the point where the cardboard came apart from itself at the bottom of the box. Also, some of the shipping information had been lost. 

When I met him at the post office after work to sign for my "package," the PO worker lifted a huge sealed sack up onto the counter. I told Z, "there must be someone else's stuff mixed up with mine. My box was not this big." But once I signed and they cut open the zip-tie on the bag, I'll be darned if not every single item shipped to me was inside that fallen-apart-box-inside-the-bag. My moccasins, new t-shirts for Z, my supply of disposable face masks for the winter, my mail (including a Kohls credit card), AND my new iphone, case, and cover. The moccasins and my mail were yet damp, but dried out in no time at home. I was astonished. Happily astonished.

On the walk home from the Central Post office we stopped in at Mobicom, our phone provider here, and activated my new phone. She's a beauty. I missed having the ability to access FB Messenger more than anything else. I think I used to have 3-4 screens of apps; now I have less than two. I can't hardly remember what I used or liked to have. Funny how just 6-7 weeks can have a person forgetting so much of what had been a daily use. What's the lesson there? I suppose I didn't really need those apps in my life. 

As I readjust to life with a smartphone once again, Im also paranoid of losing it again OR having it stolen from me. Vigilance and awareness are key. I have yet to feel unsafe in UB--and I walked home from the Central Library at 1 am on Saturday after the ASU Christmas party wrapped up. There were a surprising number of people out and about. I never felt threatened or afraid. But then, thievery is a passive crime--and from what I've heard, you often do not know it's happened until after the fact. There is something spooky about that. And so I'm leary and afraid of being it's victim. 

But, there were lessons learned in this episode of my adjustment. Don't check your phone so much. Keep the ringer off and do not pull it out on the bus. Seal it away in an internal pocket. Don't be so obsessively compulsive to check it for contact or messages--they can wait. Yes, it's far more important to Just Be. Be aware of your surroundings. Be engaged with the people in your space. Move smartly. Make intentional choices. 

I have 3 days of work left. There are 9 days until Christmas. I don't know how to do Christmas here--so stay tuned for a post on what it feels like to be spending this Christian holiday in a land that is predominately Buddhist. 

Driving? No. Water? Yes.

After our Thanksgiving Dinner at Rosewood

I often get the following question from stateside family and friends about my new life in Mongolia: "What has been your biggest surprise?" This reminds me of the question I got numerous times before departing the U.S.: "What do you think you will miss the most?"

Surprisingly, what I predicted I would miss is not missed; and those things which surprise me are everyday mundane things I could not have predicted. Allow me to elaborate on my answers here.

My prediction was that I would miss having the freedom that came with owning a car, and being able to drive wherever I wanted, when I wanted. On the contrary, I do not miss owning or driving a car at all. Nor do I miss the cost of a car loan and the required insurance to accompany it. 

I ride the school bus to and from school, there are public buses that run all the time, and one can hail a taxi from nearly anywhere (or call one if you need one off the beaten path). Each of these options is affordable. The school bus is free. A ride on the public bus costs just $0.25. And taxis charge $0.40 to $0.50 per kilometer, no matter how long it takes to travel the distance. It can be frustrating to spend 30-40 minutes traveling less than 4 miles, BUT it's comforting to know that the meter isn't ticking upwards. Sometimes I do think it would be nice to have a vehicle to LEAVE the city....but that doesn't constitute incurring the costs that come with it. At least not yet.

Now......as for what has surprised me, it all revolves around personal hygiene. First and foremost, I miss the public water in the U.S. And I don't mean for drinking. I mean for bathing. The water here is hard and I'm yet struggling to find the best shampoo/conditioner for my hair. I had shipped myself three of my favorite shampoos and conditioners, but they are all of the volumizing type and NOT something that works well with the hard water. They make my hair lifeless and flat. Also, my hair seems to get oily fast. I've tried the apple cider vinegar rinse I read about online. It does seem to help. This weekend I came across Suave Daily Clarifying shampoo at my nearest Good Price market--wow.....never thought a cheap, ordinary, everyday brand would be so great! I'll be heading back over to that market this weekend to stock up on this!!

Secondly, the cycle of bathing is different in the winter time. When Zorig first told me that I could NOT shower/bathe everyday come winter, I thought he was kidding. What an absurd thought! BUT......after being scolded numerous times by him AND putting the topic out there for my fellow American Wives to weigh-in on....it turns out he's correct. Not only is Mongolia a COLD country, it's also very DRY (yes, drier than it was in Colorado!). Add to those elements the pollution, and well, one has to use different tactics for protection. You need your natural oils to keep you moisturized and to protect against cold and infection. I am in the process of adjusting to showering/bathing just 2-3 times per week. However, I wash my face every morning and night and wash my hair more frequently (occasionally skipping a day here and there).

Here you also learn that being healthy and smart *should* trump fashion and vanity. Zorig teased me because I did not wear a hat for the 15 minute walk to our Thanksgiving dinner on November 28th. It's true....vanity overtook my smarts. My hair looked especially good and I wanted to keep it that way for pictures with Zorig and Enji. I'm happy to say I am satisfied with the pictures we snapped at the end of the evening. I DID wear my hat for the walk home.

I recently had my first illness since arriving on July 2nd. I'd say that's pretty good. As teachers know, an elementary school is a petri dish of bugs and illnesses. Add to that my constant interaction with books touched and passed around, well, it was bound to happen. I was sick for about 2.5 weeks. I think this was my first *real* cold in years. Classic rotation through the symptoms: sore throat, fever, cough. It wrapped up with a sinus infection (probably from the pollution?) and a dry cough. I am now fully recovered and was glad that my body healed itself. Of course now Zorig is under the weather. Oh the joys of living together and sharing germs along with the kisses. :)