Monday, May 25, 2015

Oh my, these Corkscrew Turns!

In the inaugural post of her blog aptly titled Purposeful Renegade, my sister shares that: "We are all at choice in our every moment, to choose 'love or fear' for they are the internal driving force of all that we do and say."

Just 38 days from departure.


I've encountered both in great amounts over the past 10 months. My first post of this blog was titled This Wicked Roller Coaster Ride. It has not slowed down since I first stepped on, and recent weeks have put me onto a constant corkscrew of feelings, emotions, and thoughts. We just watched another class of FVS students graduate on Saturday...ready to embark on creating the life they each want. Then we, as faculty, celebrated wildly with our annual Around the World party (I partnered with my friend, Nathan, to host Mongolia as Stop #4....and the stop where it turned to a little bit crazy). It was a good time with good friends and colleagues. 

My bedroom of just 7 months...
This week will mark my last days and nights in this little apartment that I've called home for just seven short months. I confess to feeling sad and a little depressed about that. It's been a good and safe place for me to be in while I evolved out of my past and into this hard-to-believe future. On the phone with my father yesterday morning, we both talked about how unbelievable this all is. One year ago neither of us would have EVER predicted that I would meet a man in Mongolia who would capture my heart and win me over so completely that moving to his country seemed the only natural path ahead of me. Nor did dad think he would return to Mongolia a THIRD time--and be planning to leave a fishing pole with his daughter in her new home because he will be back for a fourth visit at some point....and maybe more. 

First goodbye with Laurel Eller
I am beginning to say my goodbyes. Some don't believe in saying goodbye--but for my friends here in Colorado, I may never see them again in person. This is the truth. Of course we have Facebook, Skype or Facetime, and a host of apps to keep us connected--but I may never be able to hug them again. SO I acknowledge that IS a goodbye of a kind. And I do not want to avoid them or skip them or short change them. These are people that are important to me. They've been friends, co-workers, inspirations and supporters. They've watched me change and evolve...been a part of my journey, and I a part of theirs. 

Here is Laurel--my first official goodbye. We drank a yard of beer at the Golden Bee, enjoyed dinner, and four hours of conversation together. She and I have known each other since 2001 when we met while serving in the Army National Guard together. We went to Salt Lake City in January 2002 to prep for the Winter Olympics. We both got out of the military in April of 2003. I attended her wedding and have seen her here and there over the years, never losing touch. She is one of the most beautiful women, inside and out, that I have ever known. I will miss you, dear Laurel, but I know we will stay in touch virtually. Thank you for making the time and trip to spend time with me...and to say goodbye. (I hugged her three times!) 

I wish there was a bigger and better way to express my emotional state. Bittersweet doesn't seem strong enough--but it is all I have. I feel happy and sad. I am excited and afraid. I fight back doubts and answer questions--inside my own head, and outside to others. I anticipate that first hug and kiss--which we have waited so long to get back into. I will miss my mountains and Colorado sunshine. Yet I am anxious to be on the steppe and under the eternal blue sky. My throat gets a knot when I think of saying goodbye to all of these people that have given me so much. Then I smile thinking about all the new friends I will make. I look across the FVS campus and am melancholy to say goodbye to the place, the co-workers, the opportunities. And I am curious to meet my new faculty and admin and learn a new school and its students. 

Yes, the Gs (G force) of this corkscrew roller coaster ride are getting extreme and I don't expect they will let up in these last 30-some days. The speed will increase and the turns will get tighter. And so....I will do my best to hold on tightly and to keep my eyes wide open in every moment, in each exchange. I seek to find the love, and to release the fear. When we are the most scared is when we must hold tight to the love--love of self, love for others, love for humankind. We are all in this together and each choice we make has an impact--whether seen or not. 


3 comments:

  1. Powerfully shared sis!! The dance of contradictions that burn the heart and soul - vibrantly letting you know how alive you presently are!! What a glorious gift to read your blogs and share in your journey :)

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  2. You are the driver of your roller coaster car, your hands, though seemingly precariouslty on the wheel are truly firm and in control of every turn you make. I love you and am in constant awe of your being.

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    1. you humble me with your sentiment. I love and miss you.

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