Friday, June 12, 2015

Rainy Day Thoughts

My footprint made from Colorado rain water.
This morning Colorado is shrouded in a slow and steady rain. The air is cool and clean. The mountains are lost behind a white-out of mist and cloud. It's a perfect morning for coffee, my journal, and a new entry on the blog. This is a quiet time for me. As mentioned before, the shipping and moving is complete. There are no more preparations to get done. Just the passing of 18 days to come and go. (And a few odds and ends to wrap up in my Library and the conference to run.)

The primary reason I am moving to Mongolia is, of course, Love. We all know this. But there are other reasons--adventure, travel, personal growth, the opportunity to leave the trappings of America behind. And a desire to become selfless. Or rather, to be less selfish and become more selfless. I have no illusions that I will become entirely selfless, but I do have hopes of sliding from one side of this scale to at least be past the fulcrum in its center, and more on the "selfless" side than the "selfish" side. Yes, this is a desire of mine and I declare it aloud to you here.

While I chat with Zorig each and every day (and usually two times each day), I also chat with Enji (Zorig's teenage son) a few times each week. On occasion, I am chatting with TWO Zorig' children in Mongolia take their father's first name as their last name (boy and girl). (Additional Note: Women in Mongolia do not change their names when they marry.) Daddy Zorig may be updating me on the progress of his building project, while Son Zorig is talking with me about movies, schoolwork, or our beliefs about ghosts. Zorig often shares pictures of the house renovations and Enji shares pictures, as well as audio and video clips. Though I am 6,000 miles away, these types of shares make the distance seem smaller, connect me with each of them in a personal way. 

Branches wet with rain.
I feel honored that these two males want me. I have been invited into their world, their lives, with complete and utter trust. Vulnerability is full and offered with no questions asked, no skepticism of my ability to love and be there for them. I feel loved, wanted, and needed. And I feel the beautiful weight of that responsibility. I want to be so good for each of them; to be a loving and caring female in both their lives. To never desert them (as some in the past have done). I want to be sure and honest and true, in the best way I can....for each of them. I want to be the safe space where they can dream and imagine. The encouraging voice that lifts them up. The arms that hug them, that welcome them home.

Their love and openness inspires and motivates me to see beyond myself. I never want to lose their trust, their open expression and conversation, their need for me. I want to serve it and expand it each and every day. They feed my heart and soul and mind. There is always something to share and something to learn. There is always more to discover about one another. And this makes me want to be oh so good for each of them in the ways they need it. To fill the canyons of their past hurts, to heal their wounds, to make each of their lives deeper and richer, more than it was before they knew me........

.....Because, you see, this is what they do for me. And so I want to be the crystal clear waters, reflecting back the love and care and trust they offer up so freely and easily. 

Mutual and deep love is not so easy to find or discover--but once you have it, you never want to let it go. And I find that it allows me, no--motivates me, to let go of the focus I have so long had on myself and to try and make my actions and words be about others. Yes, Selflessness is something I pursue in this new life. 

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